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Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
I put the hot in psychotic.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?