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Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
I wonder if they let me grow cannabis on Farmville, I`ll be able to sell it on Mafia Wars?
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun...
"Dean, what are you doing this weekend?"
"That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should."
"But what are you doing?"
"What I`m g
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....