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So I´ve narrowed it down and I´m either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap.
My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
You know what’s huge in Japan? ..Sumo wrestlers. ;)
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.