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Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
why do wise people never make wisecracks?
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing