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I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought Iād take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
Did we try giving the government a snickers?
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted