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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
I was told there would be kool-aid.
I just found love.....its on page 369 in dictionary
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.