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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
Little to no thought was put into this status.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don`t want to see flying at my face.
thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?