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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
I`m doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. how many fish do you have?? stop counting smart one fish can`t drown
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.