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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
Im at a beer tasting today..so far they all taste the same out of this case...well done Budweiser...well done!!
I drink to make other people interesting.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.