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Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
I`m so in Debt, I could start a Government.
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
My IQ? ... With google or without?
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.