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Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
I drink because people talk.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.