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And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.