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Why do TV shows say "May contain nudity"? It either does or doesn`t. Don`t make me watch the entire thing and find out the hard way it doesn`t....
They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.