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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
with great power...comes great electric bill...
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective