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When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
I have a black belt in leather
I try not to work that much. That way I make less mistakes.
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?