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It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
This status is mine....I licked it.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
I liked your facebook update, only so I can unlike it.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.