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10 REASONS WHY I`M LAZY... you know what? Never mind. I can do this later.
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)