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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
good boys go to heaven bad boys go every where
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.