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I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
The word “fireplace” really reveals the creativity of our ancestors
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
So far,,, I`ve spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......