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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels