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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect already.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming