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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."