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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
I still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.