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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
only 9530 days until retirement.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.