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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok