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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
I just broke my record for most days lived.
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.