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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
Soup of the day: Tequila.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?
Ever wish the choice you made and the “right thing to do” were the same thing?