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I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
I wish some people`s cardio exercise consisted of running into traffic.
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
The well behaved rarely make history.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.