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Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.
like this if you are against animal cruelty
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.
I was born to be happy… not normal.