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If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
what if the princess wants to be with bowser, but mario keeps kidnapping her
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here
It`s no fun if you have permission.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.