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Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
I just "borrowed" my neighbors nissan frontier, they make that trick look easier on the commercial
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.