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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”