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Jesus is coming.... look busy
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
My mom says I`m special.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.