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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
Hold on I`m about to count my money. Alright I`m done.