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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
A new study has found that women find it seven times easier to read men’s facial expressions than men have reading women’s. That’s mostly because we’re not looking at their faces ...
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.