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This cat poop tastes like I`m about to get yelled at -Dogs
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
Note to self: Next time, don`t use "continue" as the Safe Word.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
“I saw that.” -Karma