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I`ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
If you love something,, let it go..... That`s EXACTLY what I`ve done with my body....
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.