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The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.