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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.