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Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...