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The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
i dont like ling distance relationships so i move the fridge to my room
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....