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I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
I’m an only child, and I’m still not the favorite.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
Friends would describe me as classy, sassy and a bit smart-assy.
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.