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keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
Do the other settings on the washer actually do anything?
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"