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Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
According to my current parking spot, I`m Chief of Police.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.