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You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.