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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
The problem with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
My bank lets me send a text message and it´ll text back with my balance. It´s a cool feature but I didn´t think the LOL was necessary.
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
I find that some of the best jokes are the ones that drag you in slowly and then leave you waiting in antici...
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.