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If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I`m assuming it`s Monday.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
there is no strong beer, only weak men
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.