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Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
Don`t believe everything you think.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”