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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
Your boyfriend has long hair too. I sometimes have trouble figuring out who the girl is in the relationship.
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.