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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
Hey, sorry I`m late ... I didn`t want to come
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.