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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.