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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
is in no shape to exercise
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
Messing up a guy’s hair = cute. Messing up a girl’s hair = putting your life on the line.
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.