Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
I hate it when people beg for likes, like if you agree?
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
It doesn`t matter if you don`t like my personality... I have several more!
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
Yes, I used to "dance like no one is watching"; at least until Google Earth sent me a certificate for ten free lessons.
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.