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Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.