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We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.