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If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
The less you know, the more you think you do.
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.
I love watching women`s beach volleyball. There have been two wrist injuries so far, but I should be ok by next week.