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The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions.
No matter how many lasagna’s you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna
Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.