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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.