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Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot ... I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Sometimes, you wonder what the hell the music video has to do with the song.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
it`s friday o clock
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.