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My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
According to my current parking spot, I`m Chief of Police.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.