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some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle