Daily Silly Status

I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.

Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.

Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.

Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.

FACEBOOK STORY: Add as friend – Approve -> Write something on wall -Intro – Everyday chatting – Ask number phone – Messaging – Calling – Meeting – Express love – Make relationship status – Hangout – Misunderstanding – Fight – Break up – Unfriend – Block !THE END

I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.

Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?

I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.

My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.

I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.

That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.

Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?

Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."