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They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.