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Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.