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Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it`s wide use three fingers, make sure it`s wet and rub up and down. Yep that`s how you wash a cup.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.