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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
No way I’m the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
Well, all I have to say is TGIF. (Post this on any day but Friday to get comments)
This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.