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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
Teacher: Have a seat! Student: Thanks! *picks up the chair and leaves* -- (°_°)
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...