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I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
I have over 500 facebook friends, and i want to say that i love you all...except for number 376 ..you`re a real a@@hole!!
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.