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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
Serving size ?? LMAO
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.