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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
Radio Shack has stayed in business with a name combining something no one buys anymore and a type of building no one wants to go into.
Who else`s favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."