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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.