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Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
I hope you all have a prosperous New Year ... I may have to borrow money.
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.