Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
I love hearing rumors about me...that`s how I find out what I`ve been doing.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.