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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
Don`t you wish common sense would make a big comeback.
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.