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Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"