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I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
I`m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You`re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what`s going on here.
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.