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Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.
How long does it take to get obsessed?
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!