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Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me- 12 dudes I`m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted Barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a creep who wont stop Inboxing meee... ;)
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on