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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
Personally, I think failure should be an option
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.