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Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?