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I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
i like cake. and thats all for today goodbye :)
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.