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As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
We`re up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn`t they just create a weekly TV series?
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
he who laughs last thinks slow
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life