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Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
My girlfriend JUST spent the ENTIRE day arguing that she isn`t stubborn.. :|
Someday, somewhere, somehow Iām going to do something.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
October is breasts cancer month. I stare because I care.