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I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
this is a status you spent your time reading: sj
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”