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My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.