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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.