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My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I have NEVER faked a sarcasm in my life ;)
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)