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I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.