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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Just because someone`s richer or more famous or talented doesn`t mean they`re happy. It just means they`re happier than YOU.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
I`d say go to hell, but I don`t want to see you again.