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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.