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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I`m Not Single. I am romantically challenged
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
To hell with the "dislike" button! i think we need a "who cares" button, a "WTF" button and a "STFU!" button. just saying.... Oh and a "lol" button because i just get tired of writing it! lol!
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.