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Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!