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Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
WikiHow suggested 9 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day.... I did all by ?#? SLEEPING?the whole day! How???? I smoked less, used water/power less etc. Wikiwikiwiki!!!!!
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
All who post weather maps on FB. You know we have the internet too, right??
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.