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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.