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What a terrible day. I`m going to drive through puddles & splash pedestrians to make myself feel better,
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
It’s ok if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
I was about to read the story below. But it was too long.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing