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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
Is it sexual harasment to say ho ho ho to a female coworker?
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.