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*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.