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I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.