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Never assume coz u wil make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
If you`ve ever wondered which of your friends are really amazing, you`re in luck today. :)
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."