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We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
“Knock him out.” – Mama
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Don`t you wish common sense would make a big comeback.
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.