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3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
"Paypal me your lunch money!" -Cyber Bullies
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...