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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I am sorry I wasn`t being completely honest when I said I was normal.
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?