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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn`t think of this.
I thought about cleaning my room this weekend but didn`t do it. Then I remembered its the thought that counts so I feel better now
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.